


My Dream to Live

by greenbucket



Category: Bend It Like Beckham (2002)
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 11:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12364608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenbucket/pseuds/greenbucket
Summary: To play football was to become a lesbian and to become a lesbian was to stop being a girl because to be a girl was to be attracted to men.But fuck that, Jules decided.





	My Dream to Live

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Melanie C's _Independence Day_ from the film soundtrack.
> 
> Warning for use of a homophobic slur.
> 
> Unbeta'd.

Jules had spent her entire life denying being a lesbian.

“Oh my God, are you a lesbian?” the girls at school asked when they found out she liked football, when she said she didn’t really think any of the boys she played with were fit. They were her _teammates,_ teammates couldn’t be fit.

“No, of course not,” Jules said, because that was what you were supposed to say. She’d never really thought about it before. Football came first; relationships felt far off and distant, especially at eleven with her new uniform stiff across her shoulders.

“Fucking dyke,” the boys at school said when they passed her practicing in the park in the afternoons.

“Fuck off,” she said back, but quietly.

She knew she should probably wear a real bra (even though a sports bra more than did the job), or wear make-up (even though it would only get sweated off during football), or giggle around the boys like the other girls did (even though it made no sense to her).

“You’ll never get a boy interested in you like that,” her mum despaired at her and Jules rolled her eyes or groaned or told her she was embarrassing. Her mum never suggested that she, Juliette, her _daughter_ , was a lesbian (even though that would be fine except in all the ways it wouldn’t). _She just likes to play football and she’s focused on her studies_ , she would tell all of her friends over lunch. _Plenty of boys are interested in her. That Kevin, you know the one?_

Once the Harriers were set up, it even became a topic of discussion in the locker room. Some of the girls complained that boys lost interest in them as soon as they mentioned football, assuming they must be gay. Jules stayed quiet when it came up, focusing on tying her boots and getting her headband on straight. Some of the girls on the team actually were gay, Jules knew this; she’d even met Ollie’s girlfriend a couple of times and they were both great, nothing like she’d been told lesbians or anything else were like.

But that didn’t mean Jules could be a lesbian. It wasn't like it was wrong to be a lesbian, or even that it would be a big deal, but it wasn’t something that Jules was. She was already pushing the limits by wanting to go professional with football but beyond that, she just wasn’t. She’d been telling people for years she wasn’t a lesbian – if she was, surely she would have known.

Jules set her sights on Joe. He was friendly, and sweet, and he said he got stuck with the Harriers but she knew he cared and there weren’t a lot of people that cared about women’s football. He was also completely off-limits as her coach. Jules didn’t know if that was a relief or something to overcome. Mostly she didn’t think about it; she had a boy that she liked now and that was what mattered, even if they could never be together because he'd get in deep shit if he made a move.

From what Jess said when the girls had asked if she had a boyfriend or girlfriend, Indian girls especially didn’t get to be lesbians, and especially not when they were already playing football. So, it shouldn’t have surprised Jules when Jess also had a thing for Joe, even though she’d seemed so uninterested in every other boy. But when she saw them together in Germany her mind went entirely blank and her stomach twisted horribly and her throat was tight like she was about to cry. She’d snapped at Jess and avoided them both until they were back in Hounslow and she could mope in peace.

The worst bit was Jules didn’t even know what part she was upset about. That Jess had betrayed her and every girl code that existed? That Joe liked Jess better than her? That Jess liked Joe better than her? The last question came later into her moping, day two of lying in the dark until the afternoons.

The idea that Jess liked Joe more than she liked Jules made Jules’ stomach twist all over again, like she was outside the club again and watching Jess and Joe all wrapped up in each other. Mel had always been Jules’ best friend, ever since they had worked together to push for the Harrier’s to be formed way back when, but Jess already was Jules’ best friend, too. So it was probably that: Jules wanted Jess to like her the most because that was what it meant to have a best friend, like how Mel and her would hang out and be honest with each other. People could have two best friends just fine.

And Jess was amazing. She was brilliant at football, and so smart, and so funny. She was cheeky in a sly way and Jules could hardly remember what life was like without her, like they’d been best friends from the moment they met. Who wouldn't want someone like that to want them most?

It was just that when Jules thought of Mel doing what had Jess had done, it didn’t feel the same. She felt hurt and angry, because everyone knew she liked Joe even as much as she said she didn’t, and to make a move on him was to ignore that and ignore her feelings, but there was no white noise or sickening swoop in her stomach.

It was just that when she thought of Joe kissing someone else, the indignation and hurt felt false and empty compared to what she’d felt when she’d caught him and Jess. And so that meant it was about Jess in particular. And that when she thought of really crossing that line and her being the one to kiss Joe, her stomach twisted all over again. It had always been a fantasy, not something she would ever do. She didn’t know if she even could.

It was just that when Jules thought back on that night, she kept sticking on how pretty Jess had looked. She was always pretty, and she hadn’t been as pretty that night as she was smiling up at Jules after a win, but she had been pretty. Maybe that was why Joe liked her more than he liked Jules, and maybe that was why Jules kept coming back to it, except it didn’t feel like she was remembering it for Joe.

Not that friends couldn’t find their friends pretty. Jules was fairly confident you were supposed to find your friends pretty, like when you went shopping and told them what looked good and what looked bad. Her and Mel had worked together to get Jess all dressed up for the club; it was what friends did. Only Jules didn’t think Mel was still thinking about applying Jess’ eyeshadow days later. Jules didn’t know why she still was – she was a tactile person, she hugged her friends and put her arms around their shoulders and held their hands without thinking anything of it all the time.

It was confusing to think about but it got pushed aside when Jess came to apologise, all the careful nuances in her thoughts getting blocked out by the mix of hurt and anger and she still felt looking at her. They were supposed to be best friends and Jess hadn’t upheld that, they weren’t supposed to hurt each other but Jess had hurt her. She thought Jess had got her but clearly she hadn’t. She was making Jules feel all these things and think all these things that she didn’t want to, that she’d avoided for years.

Jules tried to ignore how upset Jess was when she left but failed and it all felt worse.

Ultimately, Jules wasn’t particularly good at holding grudges and she missed Jess and she was starting to feel silly and she didn’t know what it meant but she’d rather figure it out with them as friends. Then Jess had said she only cared about Jess to look good in front of the scout and Jules’ temper had got the better of her again, her palms sweating because she’d nearly said something stupid that would have let Jess know she had all these feelings. And Jess wasn’t a lesbian, and neither was Jules, except maybe she was.

Now she’d started thinking about it, she couldn’t stop. She’d spent so long denying being a lesbian to everyone that said she had to be, that it was the natural product of wearing trackies and playing football and having her hair short, that she hadn’t let herself even consider it. Now she had it was like something settling in her mind, some absent worry finally resolving. Like she was finally coming home to herself. Juliette Paxton, eighteen and from Hounslow and with a handful of A Levels to spare. She was a football player (hopefully someday professional) and her favourite colour was blue and she was a lesbian.

She started noticing girls everywhere that caught her attention, nothing like what was going on with her and Jess but suddenly Jules was realising what everyone else had been talking about the entire time. Not just cute, not just a nod to a good haircut or cool clothes: people – _girls_ – were really and genuinely attractive. Attractive to Jules, in a way boys weren’t. Because she was a lesbian.

Then Jess was suddenly at the match and she won the game for them and the scout from Santa Clara was there and he offered a scholarship to both of them and Jules felt on top of the world, her fingertips numb with excitement and her mind already reeling with all the potential. Santa Clara. Her and Jess, _together_. She could’ve burst.

And then they’d kissed, sort of, and Jules really could have burst.

Jules had jumped back, ready to apologise, but Jess didn’t look alarmed, or disgusted, or shocked. She looked a little shy and pleased but mostly she was still looked she was buzzing with excitement, either from the match of from the fact they’d just kissed.

“Jess?” Jules asked because they’d just kissed, a quick and closed mouth kiss but a kiss all the same. “I thought you and Joe…”

“We really didn’t do anything,” Jess said, shrugging a little. “He’s nice but I don’t know. I don’t think all that’s really for me, you know?”

Jules stared at her because if all _that_ wasn’t for her, then all _this_ – meaning Jules, and football and Santa Clara and a future together – must be. She couldn’t help her smile or the joy bright in her chest as Jess smiled in return and pulled her in for another hug. Jules let herself really feel the hug this time, the smell of Jess’ shampoo mixed and the embroidery of Jess’ sari scratchy against Jules’ still sweaty skin.

“You should come to the wedding,” Jess said as they pulled apart. “We could celebrate together.”

“Really? I mean, I’d love to,” Jules said quickly. She didn’t want to be apart from Jess for too long right now, with all the time apart they’d already had and with all this new between them, and a wedding sounded like great fun.

Jess grabbed Jules’ hand and squeezed and said, “Great. But maybe have a shower first, all right?”

“Oh, so what are you trying to say,” Jules said, mock offended.

“I’m saying you just played a whole match and you stink,” Jess said, nose wrinkling. “My sister’ll kill me if you come to the wedding in your footie gear, too.”

She looked cute and teasing and she’d just won them the final and Jules was struck with the wish she could _really_ kiss Jess, right now, except she knew they couldn’t. Everyone was around and Jules didn’t think she was ready for that, knew Jess probably wasn’t either. Instead she promised she’d be at the party soon and let Tony hurry Jess into his car and went to join her parents at theirs.

Then it had all gone to hell, her mum embarrassing and terrible as ever. Jules had managed a kiss to Jess’ cheek and about thirty seconds holding her hand before her mum had started wailing about Jess’ lesbian feet and Jules had felt sick with embarrassment and the creeping realisation that her mum really _wasn’t_ okay with lesbians. Or that, she wasn’t okay with Jules being a lesbian. The drive home had only made things worse and she escaped to her room as soon as she could.

She wished she had a way to contact Jess and apologise for her mum but when she’d rung the landline it had gone unanswered and she could only assume they were still celebrating, or resting after the days and days of preparation. She didn’t want to pull Jess into her foul mood, anyway.

Maybe Jules shouldn’t be a lesbian, maybe her and Jess really were asking for too much. A girl could play football but she had to compensate by being straight, by wearing make-up and being a maths teacher and settling down. A girl could play football but she had to compensate by giving it up when she was a woman, learning to cook and to clean and dress modestly and finding a good Indian man. You couldn’t play football and love another girl because then what did you do that was what girls were _supposed_ to do? To play football was to become a lesbian and to become a lesbian was to stop being a girl because to be a girl was to be attracted to men.

But fuck that, Jules decided.

People had been telling Jules she should give up on things she loved her whole life, and Jess had been told so even stronger, and they hadn’t let it stop them. Jules had been blind to an entire aspect of herself for her whole life until Jess because she’d been scared that it was something she shouldn’t be doing or that it wasn’t real, just a side effect of football. She didn’t want to let go of that part of herself now and she didn’t want to let go of Jess now they had only just started. Forget what other people thought, how their families would probably be awful – they could figure all that out together.

She swapped into her most comfortable trackies and one of her running shirts made soft from washes and went for a jog round the park, the sun just starting to set over the trees. It was soothing, to settle into her usual pace and regulated breathing, and when she came back home she felt more prepared to deal with her mum, and the future, and everything.

That night, the phone rang and Jules’ dad called up the stairs that it was Jess on the phone for her. Jules hadn’t expected a call and bolted down the stairs two at a time, heart racing.

“You all right?” she asked by way of greeting, just about managing to catch her breath. She twirled the coils of the phone line around her fingers like a bad film.

“My parents agreed to Santa Clara,” Jess burst out, all contained excitement.

“Oh my God,” Jules said far too loudly down the phone, dropping the line and holding the handset so tight to her ear it hurt. “Oh my God, _Jess!_ We’re really going to go and play football together, this is amazing!”

“I can’t believe it either,” said Jess. “I’m so happy, it’s going to be the best ever.”

“We’re going to have so much to organise, though,” Jules realised.

“Visas and enrolling,” said Jess with a groan.

“And housing.”

“Health care.”

“Getting all our stuff there.”

Jess groaned again. “Oh, don’t. I’m so exhausted from the wedding I think I could sleep for a week.”

She did sound tired. Jules remembered her all sleepy after they arrived in Germany and felt warm. “I won’t keep you too long then,” she said.

“Oi, no,” Jess tried to protest but was interrupted by a yawn. “Oh, sorry. Anyway, I was the one that called you. I wanted to let you know, and just to talk.”

“I'm glad you called,” Jules said. “I’m sorry about my mum and everything, by the way, and that we didn’t get to celebrate.” She peeked over her shoulder to the living room to make sure her parents were watching the TV and not eavesdropping, but they seemed very interested in _Match of the Day_. It was sweet that her mum really was trying to learn about football, even if that didn’t really fix Jules’ unease with her at the moment.

“It’s all right,” Jess said. “I mean, it wasn’t your fault you mum was– um. You know, you should come round, we could talk about all of the things in person.”

Jules realised Jess must have been using the landline too. She wished they could talk honestly with each other without family in the way, though that was probably the point of meeting up in person. Among other things.

“Yeah, all right. Whenever works for you just give us a shout, I’m not up to much now the final’s over.”

Jess yawned again. “I will do.”

They were both quiet on the line, listening. It felt intimate until it felt abruptly silly and Jules laughed.

“You’re dead on your feet, go to bed.”

“I’m fine,” Jess insisted but then she conceded, “I should go to bed, though.” A pause. “Goodnight.”

“Night, love you, bye,” Jules said automatically. She didn’t realise until she’d already hung up and then it was too late, the words out there and no way to take them back.

Her cheeks felt like they were glowing as she poked her head in to tell her parents she was off to bed and they looked it when she saw herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. It made her smile, toothpaste foam and all, and she was still smiling to herself as she crawled into bed and fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

 

* * *

 

What Jess mainly had to say about Santa Clara to her family was that it was hot. It was so, so hot. She’d been told it didn’t even get that cold in the winter, either, but she would have preferred it being even a little bit cooler. Her and Jules had moved at the start of September, almost a fortnight in a hotel-like university-owned property ahead of them before everyone actually moved into their halls. It had been thirty degrees at that point and stepping out of the air-conditioned airport had been like getting whacked in the face by a pillow, Jess glad that she’d been dressed for summer already as she immediately began to sweat.

Then it never really cooled down. It was hot all the time and it was something her and Jules were adjusting to but it was slow and sweaty going.

Other than that, she talked to her family about the Indian market she’d found not too far from where they were staying and her football training and they caught her up on funny stories from Heathrow and how Pinky was doing as a married woman now. Every time her parents told her how much they missed her.

Jess didn’t know it was possible to feel so homesick after those phone calls when she usually felt fine, excited to be starting university and playing football and to be doing all of it with Jules.

Being with Jules was still something she was trying to wrap her head around.

They were still learning things about each other. It was weird to think they’d only known each other since the start of the summer, that they still had all the well-worn little stories of the eighteen years before that to share with each other. And it was different living together than it was being friends and teammates but going home to different houses every night.

For one thing, there was a lot more kissing.

There was so much kissing that it was a wonder to Jess that she hadn’t grown tired of it yet and that she didn’t think she’d be growing tired of it any time soon.

They kissed in the morning, a quick peck if they were both rushing on their way to somewhere else. They kissed in the afternoon, on the cheek by way of greeting as they sat down for lunch. They kissed in the evening and that could stretch for hours and hours, well into the night, if they let themselves get caught up in it. That was Jess’ favourite kind. It was a shock to her how much just kissing Jules could entirely pull her in until she lost track of everything else going on around them, even if they didn’t often stick just to innocent kissing. Both of them agreed they were ready to have sex if it felt right but so far they had been too tired for it, adjusting to a new country and training schedule taking most of their energy out of them. So currently they were getting quite good at long, expansive hours of snogging with some wandering hands thrown in. Jess was starting to get a Pavlovian response to seeing Jules' sports bras, even in the wash.

It was going to be hard to adjust again when they would be living in separate dorms away from each other, with other people to consider.

For the nearly two weeks they’d been in America, it had felt like some kind of dream. Just the two of them together with no one else around that knew them other than the university and football staff and the people at the market that they were getting to know. But as the moving in date for all new students loomed, Jess began to worry.

There were the usual worries, like that no one would like her or that she’d stumble over her words in an ice breaking activity, or that her studies would go terribly and it would all be a waste. But then there were other worries: she was British and Indian and that might set her apart from everyone else, she had a girlfriend and that might do the same. Except being Indian wasn’t something she could hide, and having a girlfriend was something she potentially could.

Jess didn’t want to hide but she didn’t want to have to declare things to everyone she met, especially when she still wasn’t sure what she felt. Not for Jules, that was a definite thing; that night after Jess had finally gone for it and kissed her, when Jules had accidentally told Jess she loved her over the phone, it had rung right and true – not _I love you_ , just _love you_. Just the beginnings, the affection – and Jess had had to put a hand over her mouth to hide her smile. She still held the memory close to her heart.

It was more what she felt about the entire name, or the entire idea. Being a lesbian. It hadn’t been a new idea to her for years but it was one thing to think privately to yourself, _I might like just girls and so I might be a lesbian even if I’m not supposed to be_ , and another to tell other people _Hi, I’m Jess Bhamra and I’m Indian and I have a girlfriend and we’re lesbians together_. Jess loved holding Jules’ hand in public, loved to play with her hair and hug her and for them to sit close together on the VTA; it was just that those could all be interpreted as anything, and probably would be seen as two girls being friends, and Jess didn’t know if she could tell everyone that it was because they were dating.

More than that, she didn’t think she could tell her family. Dating a gora wasn’t something she could do and dating a gori definitely wasn’t.  She wished she could ask Tony about it but she knew he was no closer to the answer of what to do than she was. She’d still told him about her and Jules, though, at the park just before they’d left for Santa Clara, because he was her best friend and she wanted someone to share the happiness with.

“Tony,” she’d started, cautious even though she knew she didn’t need to be. He was her best friend, and he was gay, and he was safe. “You know how you said you _like_ Beckham, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he’d said.

“I think I _like_ Posh,” she’d said, quickly before she lost her nerve.

“Oh, wow,” said Tony, eyebrows raised. “You mean…?”

“I’m dating Jules,” Jess had said as loud as she dared. The park was deserted but for some kids playing frisbee but you couldn’t be too careful.

Tony’s eyes had gone wide at that. “Jules? I thought it was you and your coach?”

Jess shrugged. “Last ditch attempt at liking boys?”

Tony had laughed at that. “More like first, he’s the only bloke you’ve ever shown any interest in. Other than me, obviously.”

“Hey, you were the one that offered to marry me!”

“That was for the purposes of your education and football,” he said, “and not for getting with your teammates.”

“Oh no, we’ll have to get a divorce, we’re both heartbroken,” Jess said. Then, more seriously: “You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Don’t be stupid, Jess,” he’d said and that was that.

But telling Tony was different. He was gay and not her parents or her sister or her gossipy extended family. Jess knew Jules was working her way up to letting her parents know, someday, but she just didn’t know if that would ever be on the cards for her. She didn’t know if they would be able to take it or if she would be able to inflict it on them, the shame and the gossip that would surround it. Just because Jess knew what her and Jules were doing wasn’t wrong didn’t mean everyone else saw it that way.

The uncertainty twisted and twisted in her as the start of the term drew closer and students began to pop up all over the place until it was constantly brimming inside her.

They were in the middling stages of a pleasant snogging session on Jules’ bed, heat coiling in Jess’ stomach as Jules moved down to kiss her neck, when she found herself saying, “I don’t know if we should be girlfriends.”

Jules went very still and stopped kissing Jess’ neck. “You what?”

Jess could have banged her head against the wall. That wasn’t what she’d meant to say at all, and she told Jules as much but Jules still sat up and moved as far away as the single bed allowed.

“So you don’t want us to go out but you didn’t want to tell me?” she asked, voice unsteady like when they’d been fighting in the summer. Her expression was frozen in a cold neutral like she didn’t know how to react.

“No!” Jess said, frustrated with herself. She sat up too, feeling stupid still lying down. She should have done this when her whole brain wasn’t foggy with kissing. “No, Jules, I mean I didn’t mean that I don’t want us to go out. What I meant to say was I was thinking we should keep it to ourselves, yeah?”

Jules stared at her. “Yeah,” she said, like it was obvious.

“Yeah?” Jess asked, unsure.

“Yeah, ‘course,” Jules said, posture loosening. She smiled reassuringly. “We don’t have to tell anyone we don’t want, Jess.”

“We don’t?”

Now Jules looked worried and asked, “Did I make it seem like we had to?”

“No, you didn’t,” Jess assured her, “I don’t know. I just don’t like lying. I wish we could do stuff together without lying.”

“We can. We’ll just do what we like and people can think what they want, that's not lying and it’s none of their nosy business anyway.”

“What about the girls on the team? Or our flatmates?”

“We don’t even know them yet,” Jules said. “We can decide when we do. If we think they’ll be crap about it we’ll carry on having a great time without their opinion and if we think they’ll be all right we’ll let them know. If we think they’re all right and we still don’t want to say, we won’t. That work okay for you?”

It seemed simple, when Jules put it like that. No pressure to be out and stay out, just taking each step as it came.

“Yeah, it works,” Jess said and almost put the rest aside for another day but then she swallowed and continued, as firmly as she could, “But I don’t know if I’ll ever come out to my parents. I know we’re early days yet but I know you want to with yours. I know my mum and dad love me but it would be a lot for them and I just– is that all right?” Her mouth felt dry after and she waited, watching as Jules processed the words.

“What we do with your folks is up to you,” she said finally. “And if you don’t ever want to tell them we don’t have to. We don’t have to tell my parents either, if you don’t want, not about us.”

Jess squirmed. She didn’t know what to with Jules being so nice about it all, or with her being so sure about things when Jess still felt so unsure. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I won’t want to tell, I just thought you should know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it matters because this matters to me. I want it to work out, yeah?”

“Me too,” Jules agreed. She moved back from the edge of the bed to put her arm around Jess, pulling her in close. “God, Jess, you had me worried there. Next time you want to talk don’t put it like that, eh?”

Jess curled in against Jules’ side, something that had been tense inside her since they first kissed finally easing. She and Jules didn’t have to explain themselves to anyone if they didn’t want to and if they did it was on their terms. And that didn't mean she was letting Jules down or that she was lying to people. It was a relief, to know she had more time to think and relax. 

“You’re just too good at kissing,” Jess teased. “Had my brain all scrambled.”

“Oh, I’m _too_ good at kissing?” Jules said. “You don’t want me to get back to it, then?” She brushed one finger along the line on Jess’ neck that she’d been kissing along before Jess had blurted out all her worries.

Jess shivered. “Could do,” she said.

Jules didn’t move back in to kiss her immediately, just kept her finger brushing up and down. Jess tilted her head so she could see Jules’ expression: smirking slightly with the ego boost Jess had just given her but her eyes warm with affection and her expression holding no small amount of relief, given the scare Jess had put her through. But still, they’d made it. Their first not-argument.

Jess couldn’t wait to start the year with her, to spend the next four years if not _together_ than still here together, growing up and learning and playing some brilliant football. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, it didn’t matter if they didn’t have it all sorted with their families or even that they didn't have all their feelings sorted out themselves. They were only starting out, anyway. They had time.

Jess twisted up awkwardly to kiss Jules, because they only had so long before they’d need to make dinner and get to bed on time and because even if they weren’t _in love_ yet she still loved her, and managed a sloppy smack just to the side of her chin. Jess laughed and Jules made a face and a show of wiping the kiss away before pushing Jess back onto the bed and getting back making the most of their time before the outside world came calling again. When it did, Jess thought, at least they could face it together.


End file.
